What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
12.06.2025 01:18
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Especially a lifetime of it.
Comes on , in middle age.
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I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
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But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Who then, do I blame.?
What did i know ?
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Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I don,t even have a pension.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Why do some men like anal sex?
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
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Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
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It was going to be , some day.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
But, we were locked up after school.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I was seconnd youngest,
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I have no regrets .
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I waited trembling.
Im still living with it.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
When she asked me how she looked .
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
But it wasn’t much.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I will be 64.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I couldn’t, believe it.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
She married twice! .
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
She was in good health!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
My life is so biszare .
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
So whats the point in blame.
And i lived it daily.
Put me off passion for life!!
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I write beautiful poetry .
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Why did i forgive my father ?
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I could never make a relationship work though!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
He knew the spot.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Would this be the day?
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
This is soul school!.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
He resisted the act ,that day.
So, i spoilt her more .
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
As i do to all so called friends.?
I never cut or harmed myself..
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
She found it foreign!.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
All the time i was locked up.
(And it was in our own minds.)
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
One cannot live in the past .
But ive been too sick for many years..
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I think the readers, may guess!
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
We were not on the streets..
She loved him until the end.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Ive learnt so much.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
I said to her
My family never makes their pension either.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
We all went to grammer schools
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I was 9 years of age.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
She wouldn,t have been !
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I was very sick at this time too.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Was to survive, this bastard.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I was scared of men, in general
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.